Introduction
I recall my days as a psychic medium on worldwide telephone service and the question of ‘Is he/she the one?’ flowed through every day. I would be asked to ‘tune in’ and assess the person they had started messaging online. The calls and questions are understandable because we all want to spare ourselves emotional pain, yet we forget to trust ourselves. Our instincts are the guiding light we all have. ‘Yes’, I promise with all my heart, you have this wisdom.
Looking at some photos on a screen and reading a few lines (or sometimes nothing!) and that is all the information you have.
It could be the tools that are missing from your life box. The tips that support you to tune in to your guidance to make comfortable choices.
May the experiences and suggestions in these pages of the Online Dating Hints & Tips book help you feel more confident, trust your instincts and save you time pursuing lost causes.
‘Pants over tights and flick that cape’ as we’re going in……
Boundaries
Always stay safe and only share your contact details if it feels right. Thank goodness with technology, you can 'block' and backtrack if you need to.
There is the ‘thinking’ that online dating is like a sweet shop and there will always be someone else to talk to. The very nature of this instant and expendable mindset does not lend itself to depth and grace.
Remember that any new connection is not personal, not at all. Whatever beliefs they may have, stories they may tell, opinions and patterns they hold, none of them reflects on you. Whatever they say in these early stages is not about you. It is like signposts they are displaying, to show you how they feel about themselves and how they will treat you in the future.
You can still be the kind and caring person you always are and behave with grace. Their choices and how they act is all about them.
If anything makes you feel uncomfortable, step back. You owe it to yourself to hold your own space. It’s about first impressions, and trusting your instincts helps you be you.
Only share what you feel comfortable sharing. It’s great to be open, but you don’t need to share your whole history or life story. Share things that are happening in the ‘present moment’ to start with. You got caught in the rain, forgot to get loo rolls with the shopping, and your experimental cooking for supper went wrong. Sweet moments of vulnerability, with humour, that show a soft, warm part of you.
Starting a new connection with a life story is like a job interview, where you present a resume. It sends the wrong message and unbalances things. If someone starts their connection with you like this, try to bring it back into the present moment. If they don’t take the hint and continue to tell you their sad story, then it’s a sign that they are not healed, and your connection with them will be all about their past.
If you are not interested in a purely physical connection, then that’s a boundary. If their messages are one-dimensional in this way, it’s a sign. If they start on a physical level in their initial messages, you can try to put it on a mental level and ask them what they are interested in or how their day has been. Any question that makes them think? If they dip back down to the physical level again, they clarify their intentions and purpose, and you have your answer.
Much of our communication is non-verbal, so when you are messaging and starting something through a screen, it helps to keep it light with warmth. It takes time for some people to open up, so it’s alright to give them space and time. It’s all too easy to make a snap judgment and move on to the next person. There is grace in giving things time, yet always paying attention to your inner guiding voice.
Profile words
There are some obvious red flags in profile words, and here are a few to watch out for:
‘I’ll fill this in later…’
They are looking for a positive result with little effort, and usually, their messaging and dating intentions are poor.
‘I’m looking for someone to make me happy.’
‘I need someone to complete my life.’
‘I am looking for someone to restore my faith.’
They are flying the red flag of ‘unhealed’ and not taking responsibility for their own lives and how they feel. The burden will be on you to create a new life for them, make them happy and sort things out. There is also the possibility (a strong one) that they have done no self-reflection on where things went wrong in previous relationships and the part they played in the breakdown.
It is far more balanced to see the profile words of someone living their own life, making their choices, trying different things, and creating new experiences.
The same goes for the ‘blame game’. If someone has ‘no liars, cheaters, etc.’ in their profile, they display emotional hurt. Also, flying the red flag of not taking responsibility for the part they played, even if their only part, was in choosing a partner like that. They are not healed and are looking for someone else to put things right for them, which places heavy weight on a new connection right from the start. You could potentially be spending hours walking on eggshells and trying to heal them.
We are responsible for our healing. In making choices that do not always go well, we learn through experience, and loving grace comes into play when we do not paint our future with the colours of our past.
Not everyone is the same, and there are bound to be moments where we show our past pain. You will know how they are carrying theirs.
‘No ONS or one-night stands, or FWB, friends with benefits.'
That is another advertisement for their past.
If they have put ‘Looking for a relationship’, then the assumption that they are not looking for anything casual is a given.
It is strange, yet when you see the words:
‘I am young at heart'
‘Honest’
‘Truthful’
‘Love the art of conversation’
‘Ready for a relationship’
they mean the opposite.
Self-awareness does not always flow with some people. So, as you know your boundaries, you can navigate your way through this.
Trust yourself. Even if you are aware that your past may colour how you feel about someone, you have that awareness as you process your thoughts about them.
Messages
How they treat you in their messages, is a sign of how they will treat you if you choose to meet them and maybe start a relationship.
Are they open and curious about life?
Do they ask about you?
Do they follow up on the things you say, or are they just waiting for the chance to talk about themselves, or what is happening with them?
You know when a conversation is balanced and flows back and forth. You look for curiosity about yourself and what matters to you, and then you can mirror attention back. It builds messages with depth and interest, and a connection starts.
Some people are so hurt by past hurt, that their hearts are closed or partially shut down. No curiosity is a sign of this. Not listening is a red flag too.
If you feel they are rushing you in their messages, they could be lonely (and we all know that feeling), which is understandable. Yet things need to flow naturally, to build growth and have depth.
Some people’s response to pain is to have someone in their lives to make them feel better. Anyone will fit the bill, and you are worth more than being someone’s anyone.
You deserve to be someone’s special someone.
You are not here to be anyone’s comfort blanket.
I feel ‘closure’ is overrated. If someone disappears, unfriends, disconnects, stops messaging or goes silent in any way, that is it. That is ‘closure’. Using mental energy trying to work out why only depletes you. Messaging them will only make you feel worse.
You could feel comforted to have discovered this character trait they have early on, as it is a sign. In a relationship, they could be unwilling or unable to discuss anything uncomfortable.
Summary
Be yourself, always.
Trust yourself and know that you can make choices no matter what others’ choices may be.
No one’s behaviour, choices or actions define you.
Above all else, have fun and enjoy the experience.
© Copyright Jane Sturgeon 2020
No part of this book, or the whole, can be used, shared, or quoted without the author’s express written permission.
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